The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

Cats are Heroes!

Cats are awesome, I just love cats.  They are the elite special forces of the animal kingdom.


Cats can climb trees, they can jump from one rooftop to the next.  They can walk along dangerously narrow fences and they can pounce and sprint.  They can swing from washing lines and fight other cats kung fu style and they are stealthy.  You can put a bell on their collar and they will actually learn to walk without ringing the bell, even though they can actually just slip the collar off with their paws because they don’t even need it!  That’s how cool they are.


Cats can also sing, though they won’t win X-factor!


Ruthless Killers

Most importantly though, they kill birds!


That’s right cats are heroes because they kill birds, by the bucket load apparently.  Uk cats get through an astonishing 55 million birds each year, yeay! go cats!  


Have Mercy

Like all predators they kill of the sick and the struggling first and foremost, thinning out the numbers of the bird population making the remaining birds healthier.  They also kill mice and rats and other things that no one cares about because they are not cute.


Without cats killing birds you’d be up to your eyeballs in birdsh*t and it would not be possible to clean the car as the evil feathery bast**ds would have their spotters deployed and forward observers in place so that they could sh*t in from a distance artillery style or do a high level bombing campaign from orbit.


Sky rats

Birds sh*t on the washing line and they sh*t on your car, but hang on aren’t they cute!

No they are the direct descendents of the theropods, the three toed dinosaurs that nearly killed everybody in Jurassic Park, they have the same predatory instincts as their ancient ancestors the Velociraptors, so they are not nice at all.


The First Airwing

Anyhow everyone knows that birds are flying skyrats (the B-52 pidgin) that carry diseases and spread germs wherever they go, but despite this bird lovers like them because they have pretty feathers!  


Bird lovers are strange folk (thick as two short planks), they like pretty birds, but not brown birds, they like small birds but not big birds like crows (that I actually do like) and as such buy bird feeders full of seeds that only small birds can access, which is incredibly cruel to the big birds that are just as starving.  


Click this link for pictures of these evil contraptions and devices of torture.


Something Inside So Strong!

This is rank hypocrisy and akin to apartheid in South Africa, where big black birds don’t get any food or any love, whilst small birds do.  It’s immoral.   And they hate squirrels too.  Now I love squirrels they are the ninjas of the animal kingdom and they can sleep for half the year which must be f**king fantastic…


Watch this video and imagine how the lyrics apply to a cat!


My friend had a bird feeder full of nuts hanging from his shed by some string, a squirrel got on the roof and pulled the feeder up by it’s rope, heave ho-ing nautical style, pulling it up with his little hands.  A feat that not even a cat can do.  Awesome.  I salute you sir, Mr Squirrel for having the intelligence and the gumption to get the nuts anyway!


Then you get them bird fanciers who hide in bushes with binoculars and a camera.  Dodgy as f**k if you ask me…


Complete Lies

Now bird lovers claim that cats are evil and that the population of the flying skyrats are in dangerous decline thanks to them, but the RSPB don’t agree.


If that’s what the RSPB says then it makes it clear that bird lovers who hate cats are just over exaggerating liars who need to keep their big traps shut as cats have the legal right to roam and anybody who harms a cat is actually guilty of criminal charges namely the Criminal Damage Act 1971 and the Animal Welfare Act 2006.  Penalties can include a six month jail sentence or a £20,000 fine as well as being forbidden to keep animals for a fixed length of time.


So bird fetishists, next time you see a cat in your garden who is busy doing ‘cat stuff’ you’d best turn the other cheek so to speak and take comfort in the fact that it’s only the old and the sick birds that have diseases that they tend to kill.  They are doing you a favour, after all who’d want a sick bird in the garden?


Plus if there was a massive outbreak of bird flu, you’d want the cats to help you out and do their bit.  You’d be f**king stroking it then and putting food out!


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