nice-site.org

The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

Christmas Countdowns

Christmas Countdowns

 

On Music Tv channels.  For F**** sake as we get anywhere near the Christmas season the air-time filler comes out replete with clapped out celebs introducing their top fifty crimbo tracks.  I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s all the ****ing same.  

 

Regardless of which celebrity has been given the pin money (or in Noddy Holders’s case it’s his only money) to introduce the oncoming dribble we all get the same countdown every single time.  So it’s not their choice, it’s the network choice, it always starts with Nina and Frederick (Little Donkey) and finishes with Band Aid (Do they Know it’s Christmas).  Well they ****ing should by now.  You’ve been singing it at them for thirty long, tiresome and nauseating years…

 

That’s right I’m p***ed of with Wizzard (I wish it could be christmas everyday!)…  Well I ****ing don’t… Cliff Richard (Mistletoe and Wine).  Cliff p*ss off and have a drink and whilst you’re at it please reflect on the fact that the word Mistletoe is a translation an Anglo-Saxon word for ‘Dung on a Twig’.  That’s all anybody wants at Christmas is a glass of wine and some sh*t on a twig.  

 

Then we sit there in a glaze as they milk the airtime even further with funny quips from the faceless celeb before the adverts come on which stretches the time out even further.   Now everybody knows how I feel about adverts, but this time I am grateful for something different to look at.  I saw an advert for some plastic surgery once and considered having my ears stitched up.  Then Esther Rantzen came on with some Christmas appeal so I plumbed for the dual option of having my f**cking eyes stitched up too.

 

Whilst I’m thinking of it, who can forget the eleven millionth playing of Jona Lewie (Stop the Cavalry) or Slade (Merry Christmas Everybody!).  I mean it’s sickening, laboratory rats shouldn’t be subject to this sh*t yet we put up with it every b**tard year…  I mean we only have one life and that life will end someday.  I’m thinking of Invoicing the TV people for my lost time.  That I will never, ever, ever (to paraphrase Taylor Swift) get back…

 

Gary Glitter had the 43rd best selling Christmas Track of all time, but funnily enough they don’t play any of his anymore, I can’t think why though…  Then there’s Wham (Last Christmas) which is basically George Michael with hair.  I mean these tracks are so original, who can forget Shakin (Elvis Impersonator) Stevens with, you’ve guessed it…  Merry Christmas Everyone… (Sigh).   I nearly had to take a blood pressure tablet when Bros came on (Silent Night).  I’ll f**cking give them a Silent Night with my big fat boot up their twin arses…  For those too young to know (God bless you, you lucky buggers) they were like the eighties version of Jedward…  Only not as talented.

 

Perhaps that’s my problem I’m a little bit older than everybody else, I remember when Boney M (Mary’s Boy Child) used to give me a ‘Boney M’  (except for the bloke of course, that would be wrong)…

 

Why do they do it?

 

It’s simple, In the music industry a good selling christmas song is like a pension, everytime it gets played you get a couple of pence in your bank account.  KerrChing!  And it doesn’t take much talent either, you can split up as a group and still get paid for spreading a bit of crimbo cheer.  Except it doesn’t.  I still can’t get over the fact that Wizzard actually looked like they were miming in their video but really were singing…

 

David Essex still dines out on his pension (A Winter’s Tale) and the Darkness stopped dead in their tracks with their career killing Christmas Time (Don’t let the Bells End).  No don’t let them end anything is better than this IQ killing shit…

 

Still though it could be worse you could be listening to Mariah Carey back in the day when she had curly hair and straight teeth, but could sing, now she has straight hair and curly teeth but can’t sing…

 

Merry Christmas everybody…

Next Post

Previous Post

Leave a Reply

© 2018 nice-site.org

Theme by CPTsolutions.biz