The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

Crap TV Adverts

Some tv adverts are a joy to behold they are like little mini films or comedy video’s and do the work of grabbing your attention whilst subtly extolling the virtues of their products.  Other’s are just total shit appeal to the lowest common denominator and as such are crap.


The present run of the awful Lloyds TSB adverts with the train and that borderline chanting (Eliza’s Aria) going on in the background has forever spoilt a wonderful piece of music for me as now whenever I hear it I think ‘Lloyds TSB.’  And there is nothing I hate more than a ****ing banker.  Banker’s are scum.  They always have been, always will be and this has always been true since the formation of the Bank of England back in 1694 which by the way was setup to allow the Monarch at the time to rebuild the Navy in the wake of a dreadful war against France.  Thing is the bloodsuckers have a marketing department that just don’t get it.  Slick adverts and nice background tracks will not make me like them any more than I did yesterday or the first time I heard the advert all of those years ago when they first brought the bloody thing out.


British gas, they keep on using that one sample from an awesome Blur song (lets face it Britpop is all about selling gas) which has now been permanently spoiled for me.  I don’t have gas and given the choice I wouldn’t want it.  The reported and regular price hikes do it for me.  9% for ****’s sake if the state pension had gone up as often as gas prices and at the same rate, the average pensioner would be on £930 a month by now!  Anyhow my point is that I can’t stand that style of animation where they take obviously real peoples’ faces and warp them into a caricature of themselves with an overly large head.  It’s simply just wrong.  It gives me the creeps and doesn’t make me want to buy any gas!  I think non human intelligent aliens from another planet must be more attractive than that style of shitty animation.  It’s just plain wrong.  Especially the way they have people’s houses floating about on a tiny planet that often looks more like a tennis ball than someone’s home patch.  


It’s your world they say, but they impoverish every single one of those words to make the one with the British Gas HQ on very rich indeed.  That would be shareholder world, because despite being a company that sells gas to ordinary folk like you and me their primary function is to make money for their shareholders and they do that really well.  Another British success story.  Remember when they said that privatisation would be good for us.  I’m still scratching my head on that one.  I’m just an ordinary joe but from where I am standing they look like the leader of a cartel.  Just to recap a cartel is a criminal organisation of mobsters that come together to form a monopoly.   Lying scum…  


The Go Compare man.  The poor ****er, just because he annoyed a few pundits in the past who said that he was annoying, carmarthenshire’s finest tenor is now getting hoofed by footballs in the stomach, trapped in nets and blown up with rocket launchers by so called celebrities that are less well known than him…   


This latest round of adverts just have me feeling sorry for him.  I do not want to ‘Go Compare’.  The meerkats have kicked the shit out of them…  I know all of the meerkats by name, that’s how successful their adverts are.  


Anyhow the old adverts in which he sung had great production, backing tracks and special effects and were actually entertaining and endearing and more importantly sold car insurance.  Have you noticed that in this latest round when the Go Compare man sings he gets none of the above.  No dancing cave-girls, loud orchestral backing, special effects, dinosaurs or indeed anything other than a physical assault.  That’s because they’ve blown the budget on these unrecognisable celebrity names that contribute nothing to the advert.  How shit is that?  The direction is even worse and probably done by a fifteen year old drama student.


I’m sure the people at Go Compare would be the first to say, ‘It’s only a bit of fun,’ but it ain’t.  You don’t see me laughing at another man’s pain, but if that’s the mindset of the fat talentless aresholes who plan these things it says it all…


And as for those ****wits at Wonga with their shitty puppets of old people doing cupid stunts and extolling the virtues of what is legalised loan sharkery well say no more.  It’s just like having a loan of your dear old granny if she charged 1750% interest.


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