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The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

Did you know you are so fat and ugly?

That honest to goodness was the first line of the spam email I got today that snapped me out of my retirement as Llanelli’s angriest man!

 

Where have I been you may be wondering…

 

I’ve been building a picture house for the Dalai Lama, but more on that later, back to the blood boiling email.

 

“Have you noticed how you have become so fat and hopeless?

Of course not!”

 

The cheeky f*****s, I was gob smacked, I mean have they been looking at my facebook pics or something?

“You have been chewing your troubles away for years and suddenly you realized that the person you see in the mirror is someone you do not want to be.”

 

Spot on again!  I mean how can they be so accurate?  Having said that if they saw where I worked and what I have to do to earn a living they’d be chewing away and grazing like a senile horse all day long too.  

 

When people ask me what I do I usually tell them that I work as a male stripper who does ‘extras’ in a gay bar and sometimes sucks c***s for cash on the beach at North Dock.  It’s better than telling them the truth, can you imagine the shame.

 

I work for Llanellitown.com

 

Anyway it goes on….

 

“If you are one of those chubby guys who have tried every nutrition scheme of losing extra pounds and spend hours with fitness coach..”

 

I’m beginning to think this is badly translated now, it has a chinese rhythm to it and stinks of google translate…

 

“without visible results, you will find a perfect solution of your problem in this new product that normalizes your appetite and burns many calories for you.”

 

Definitely chinese, try saying the above paragraph in a comedy accent and you’ll know I’m right.  Don’t forget to say “Ffffwwwwoooooaaar” before starting though.  

 

Those f*****g oriental geniuses, it looks like there’s a scientifically proven and peer reviewed way of losing weight and swapping this lard arse for a butt of steel…

 

Thing is though I don’t want the new calories burnt of, I want the old ones to die in a fire…  

 

Also I am put off a bit by the claim ‘without visible results…”  

 

So does it f*****g do anything or not?

 

Next, “normalises your appetite.”  For people I’ve never met, they know a hell of a lot about me, presumably that I eat like a f*****g sea cow (manatee) and that I have an abnormal appetite.

 

“Start your new life today and click here…”

 

S**t, they are trying to sell me something after calling me a fat c*** over the internet!  I don’t know what to think, this must be a highly successful and revolutionary sales strategy.  No wonder we’re getting out competed by the chinese…

 

They know how to get results…

 

It’s that simple, all I’ve got to do is simply visit their site and hand over all of my personal details including my financials and before too long I will be as skinny as a white chick on heroin or Mo Farah, whichever one is the skinniest!

 

No wonder Mo is fast though, his muscles aren’t pulling any weight!

 

Back in the old days I would have burst a blood vessel in my head being apoplectic in rage, but that was before I became a buddhist after last years spectacular burnout.  I sought the more spiritual things and was rewarded by an detour to Tibet where I built a picture house for the Dalai Lama.   I had to strain worms with a sieve to prevent them from being inadvertently killed by the epic construction alongside Brad Pitt, or did I fall asleep whilst watching 7 Years in Tibet recently.  I don’t know.  All the same the above is an extract from the most offensive spam email I have ever read, it would make my blood boil were it not for the fact that I could see the funny side.

Cheeky f******…

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