The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

Diets and Death

I’ve had to have some blood tests lately, but before I get the results I know the doctor has already made up his mind.


He’s an NHS doctor so we all know that their seven years training in medical school simply boils down to this.


How much do you weigh?

How much do you drink?

How much do you smoke?


That’s it, seven years of lectures, pot and group sex all boils down to three simple questions that they ask each patient before ordering blood tests and sending you to Tesco’s pharmacy for whatever pill they decide is the right one to keep you alive.


If you can reliably answer any of the former three questions you will have to give something up!


I’m a big bloke, carrying some lard I admit, which brings me on to the following thing that really makes me angry and that’s diet advice…


How come you can ask any vet, or any biologist what the right diet is for any animal on earth and they will happily tell you what the afore mentioned creature should be eating for optimal health?


How come the only animal that you can’t do this for, is the human animal?


How come none of us know what the best food is these days?  How come our media is so full of conflicting diet advice?  


The answer is obvious, it’s the corporatisation of food.  Food produced industrially is always bad for you in some way, sadly though it makes money for the people who make it which is why they want you to believe that it’s worth eating, because it makes them money…


A diet including potatoes was good years ago, now they are ‘high carb’ and will give you diabetes and heart disease, bacon is right out, as is butter, although butter is apparently good for the brain (like anybody needs that these days – tutt!).   


Bread was fine, now it’s got to be wholemeal bread, full of nuts and seeds and all sorts of claptrap designed to protect the colon, pity it tastes like ****…  But oh wait, it’s high carb and will kill you now that sugar is the enemy and fat is ok again…


I grew up avoiding lard, but my 96 year old grandmother practically bathed in it and she’s still alive and will probably outlive me and she used to smoke because it was glamourous.  I’ve never smoked and have got worse lungs than her.


Dieticians smell.


This is why I hate dieticians.  These odious and smelly people (raw veg farts) take food and reduce it to rubble.  Dieticians talk about portion control and combining this food, with that food for optimum health.  They never talk about taste!  Taste is unimportant to a dietician, it’s all about the nutrition, might as well cut the f****** taste buds out!


Contrast that with chefs, it’s all about the taste, lashings of salt, sugar fats and cream and all sorts of things, that taste great but will actually kill you if you keep at it.  Chef’s will tell you to live for today, indulge now, just enjoy, life is too short.  Give yourself a treat.


Keep it up though and you’ll need a forklift truck to carry you to the toilet!


Deep Trust Issues.


My family and I visited a restaurant a few years back, there was a monster steak on the menu, that came with potatoes, garlic bread and mushrooms, pepper sauce…  Hmmmm pepper sauce…


Anyhow my father in law said not to touch the garlic bread, ‘that’s how they get you,’


‘How do you mean, “get you,”’ I replied.


‘If you eat all of that, you won’t finish the steak…  That’s how they get you…’


‘What the f*** are they doing with the steak?’ I asked.  ‘Is there some guy out the back approaching people with a raincoat full of second hand steaks, going “PSSST wanna buy one,” to passing strangers as he opens his coat flap to reveal nicely cooked steaks hanging there on safety pins, all with various bites taken out of them.


‘Does he have nine or ten going up each arm like a dodgy watch salesman?’


Life is full of extremes these days, there’s no balance, there’s no such thing as a food that is nice to eat and nutritionally good for you.  I can’t think of one.


Chilly in Chile…


Where does it all end?  A friend of mine had to go to the doctors, he’s a fat b****** who was turned over on his belly for a colonoscopy.  The doctor inserted the magic eye with the camera and light into his anus after greasing it up with some cold and oily lube and after a couple of minutes of feeding it through and staring at the monitor, he turned to his assistant and said, ‘Is there any sign of the trapped Miners?’


Anyhow, tomatoes are good for you as they lower cholesterol and beat heart disease as does the humble apple, both are awash with bee killing pesticides and DNA shredding carcinogens, oranges are sealed with wax to stop the moisture escaping.  Everything has been tampered with to the point that almost everything you eat is toxic.   It could be worse though, I could be a health food freak (a solo dietician).


The Ungrateful Dead.


I walked past a health food shop the other day, not one of the b****** in there looked healthy!


Pale, weak and trembling, sad, diseased and depressed, shrinking away from the light, they all looked like goths in good clothes!


The Tip of the Iceberg


A lettuce has no nutritional value at all, doesn’t do a thing for you.  It is useful if you want to upset a vegetarian however.  


An iceburg lettuce is full of nematode worms, you can’t see them but they are there, too microscopic to impinge upon the consciousness of your typical wan skinned and trembling vegetarian, who upon chewing and swallowing commit genocide.  Massive amounts of animal genocide.  The evil b*******…  


Have you tried to eat a healthy sandwich these days, if you buy one from Tesco’s after picking up the previously mentioned life extending pills you’re in for quite a body shock.  


What once was traditionally just two bits of bread with some lean chicken in the middle, now comes with some life threatening, sugary paste slapped in it.  The result being a free of charge chance of Type 2 Diabetes for one.


I just bought a new ‘app’ for my phone, it’s awesome, it’s an easy to use food diary.  I just entered what I ate into the phone today and it’s sent an ambulance to the house.


Anyhow fat people aren’t actually fat, they’re just… easier to see…


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