The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

Harris, Hitler, Cyclists and Health Freaks

Two little boys had two little paint brushes…

Lets start with a tale of two painters, one from Australia, one from Austria.  One of which caused the deaths of 40 million people, the other is a recently sentenced predatory sex offender…


Despite gassing jews, rounding up romanians and grabbing gypsies of the street, starting a war with the British Empire, invading France, dragging in the likes of Italy, Japan and the United States, Canada, Australia, India and the rest of the empire (now Commonwealth) before topping it off with an invasion of Russia… Hitler’s paintings are still worth a lot of money; by contrast, Rolf Harris’s are now f***ing worthless, because when it is all said and done, Hitler wasn’t a peedo…


Tie me kangaroo up dick!

What does that say about us and the society that we live in?  When one of the world’s most prolific and notorious despot’s paintings (which frankly aren’t very good) are being snapped up for shitloads of cash by the buying public, whilst Rolf’s paintings which admittedly are very good are now being hidden in wardrobes, attics and tory party offices across the country, lest somebody see.


To be fair though investing your life savings in a painting in the hopes that it will go up in price is not a smart investment move.  Yes, really some people bought Rolf’s paintings for exactly that reason.   As far as I am aware Hitler sold his paintings for cash when he was on the bones of his arse skint and didn’t make a lot of money out of them, the price only went up after he had become famous for all of the wrong reasons.  


Summer Pests

It’s strange how we love some despots and not others, take cyclists for instance, they hog the roads puffing about, wobbling their fat arses in front of your car and get cranky as f**k if you overtake them.  


I overtook one the other day, perfectly legally and safely, some time later I turned left into a sideroad, I looked in the rear view mirror only to see the cyclist speeding across the junction raising his middle finger to me.  What the f**k had I done wrong?  I f**king hate cyclists.  I can’t stand their smugness, their astounding arrogance, their total disregard for red lights or indeed anything that makes them stop or even slow down.   I’ve seen a lot more of them lately since this whole Tour De France bollox.  Cycling frogs my arse!  Just because it’s on the telly and the weather has been nice.  They are a summer pest just like wasps, with Yellow jumpers on! (that means no stripes on the wasps!)



They winge like f**k about how motorists make the roads unsafe for them but say nothing about how they make the roads unsafe for just about anyone else, pedestrians included, all the while paying absolutely zero in taxes whilst doing it.  I mean who the f**k do they think they are….  F**king Starbucks!  


You’re an extra

I met one at a networking event once, he was also an environmental hippie type, you know the technology Natzi’s that want us all to live in the dark ages, thinking that it would be like Lord of the Rings and they would be the heroes and that we’d all be the happy background serfs seen from a distance in them films (because close up we’d all be revolting like sheep which are only picturesque at distances of 150 yards of more).


He was incandescent with rage when I told him that a recent study had proved that cyclists emit more co2 per mile than a small car like a Fiesta.  All of that puffing and wheezing makes cycling bad for the planet, so if you really care about the biosphere you’d take the car everywhere.  


As for Co2 Plant’s love it, so what’s the f**king problem?


Bad JuJu

The problem is, is that they believe in that shit, my I’m an atheist I don’t believe in Global Warming.  Religions come and go, just look at all of the bad diet advice we’d had over the years from the Church of Seventh Day Low Fat Advocatists.  


For years we’ve been told that fat is bad m’kay…  Lard is of the Devil and must be destroyed!  I’ve heard of some teenagers recently summoning demons on mountain tops by sacrificing lard in a fire instead of a goat!  


It seemed to work by all accounts!  Everyone went home happy, including Satan who had new disciples.  Verily he sent them to work in the gyms and clinics of  South Wales as dieticians and personal trainers, knowing that soon, the whole world would be fat!


Dieticians like economists, must not be trusted, they are all full of shit!


As proof I offer up my slim and otherwise fit eighty six year old grandmother has cooked in lard all of her life.


Recently we’ve been told that sugar is bad m’kay… More recently we’ve been told that fat is good m’kay!


So what is it?  I’m in my forties.  I’m not in bad shape for my age as believe it or not I have tried to listen to the diet advice and eat healthily.  I’m still a bit tubby though, could do with losing a bit of weight and brushing the cobwebs of my gym membership card…


Truthfully though I don’t eat a lot, but the food we eat today is so energy rich that we all just naturally put the weight on, resulting in billions of pounds worth of health problems, misery and ruined lives.  Processed food is laced with salt, sugar and fat.  If you find any protein you should be chuffed, it’s like getting 4 balls on the lottery!


Dr Atkins has been vindicated

I did the atkins diet once.  The weight dropped of me, I felt fantastic, my energy levels were through the roof, I used to wake up at six am every morning bursting with energy and life.  I was so energetic that I couldn’t lie there.  I had to get up and get moving.   Anyone who knows me, also knows that I am not naturally a morning person.  I usually wake slowly, like a bear coming out of hibernation and just as bad tempered, irritable and hungry!  Yet on the atkins I felt balanced and fantastic.  


I ate real food, no chips, no spuds, no breads, lots of veg and plenty of fruit.  Yet the health natzi’s kept on telling us all that the diet was bad for you and that it was a stupid thing to do to completely cut out one food group, that being carbs..    They had no problem telling us though it was ok to completely cut out another food group entirely, that being fat!  F**king hypocrites!


When I pointed that out to one of them he just shrugged and said that you’d always get some fat in your food, but less was better.   When I said that when doing the Atkins you’d still get some carbs in your diet as they naturally occur in all foods, but less was better he just walked away.   Carbs are good m’kay, and fats are bad m’kay.


The truth is in the middle of course, you need healthy fats, just like you need healthy carbs, but no one ever says this.  It’s always the extremes we get presented with, like any extreme they only work for extreme minorities, usually the body bunnies that infest the gym who are probably staying thin due to exercise over diet, just like those god damn summer pests them cyclists.  Have I told you how much I f**king hate cyclists.  Pay some tax, you evil hippy bastards, afterall you are harming the planet!


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