The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

I Hate Cyclists

It’s summertime again!  You know what that means, long hot sweltering days, a heaviness in the air, the constant sound of someone’s lawn mower in the background, mingled with the incendiary smell of burning as people light fires in their gardens to get rid of the rubbish they are legally not allowed to put out for the bin men.


Or if you live in Carmarthen the smell will be caused by funerals going on in the street.  Ah the smells of high summer, cholera infected water and ashes piled up on the banks of the Towy, mingled in with the distant and nasally sound of welsh language purists reciting in unison ‘shar-rad cum-rag’.


No wonder you want to get out and see some of the world,  but sadly pests are everywhere in the summer from cockroaches, wasps, stingies and cyclists they all serve to make summer a nightmare, especially if you are driving.


I can’t tell you how often I’ve come up behind a fat sagging middle aged arse on a push bike, struggling to get up a hill, whilst using their ‘gift of girth’ to block the whole f***ing carriageway.


B******s, I hate cyclists, not because they are overgrown kids, because let’s face it, only kids should be riding bikes, but because they are so f***ing stupid and stupidly militant about it.


There’s one simple looking bastard going around by me, he’s forty, balding a bit fat and likes to wear Lycra, yellow lycra with black.


He looks like a wasp with sweaty bollocks when you are driving behind him, on account of the fact that all of his arse sweat dribbles down to his love spuds making his shorts semi transparent.  


He should be done for indecent exposure!


If I overtake him, he’s in the rear view mirror giving me the finger.  If I come to a stop before him, he’s whizzing past, giving me the finger.  


Now I don’t drive dangerously, I always give him a wide berth (you’ve got no choice with an arse that size) and I always follow the rules of the road.


Cyclists, by and large don’t and that’s why they piss me off.  


The run through red lights, making it scarey for the oncoming traffic, they undertake busses and lorries on left hand turns where the driver can’t see them in their mirrors.  No wonder they get killed in busy cities like London!


Thing is though when a cyclist does something stupid enough that it’s worthy of a Darwin Award two people tend to die that day, the cyclist and the other person who has got to live for the rest of his or her days with the fact that through no fault of their own they’ve killed someone.


Someone stupid, but it’s still a person, well kind of…  


What does our government do about all of this?


Well for some reason they tend to see cycling as a good thing, it’s good for the heart, it’s good for the body, it keeps you fit and increases economic activity, because even when you die someone can make money out of you.


All them undertakers need to be employed, though preparing a normal corpse for burial or cremation (back to Carmarthen again) has got to be preferable to tipping a squashed mess into a coffin with a bucket before some tired old vicar pontificates over the wonderful life of some guy he didn’t know because he was a cyclist.


You see cyclists don’t have friends…


If they did then someone would tell them not to wear the lycra unless they were a hot bodied female, or looked like Linford Christie back in the day when the whole world was talking about ‘Linford’s lunch box’.


If they truly did have friends they wouldn’t have time to bother the government with requests to narrow roads to make room for cycle lanes that practically guarantee that they will get killed when an articulated lorry is turning left.


Well it’s better than running over toddlers on pavements I suppose…


I wouldn’t mind so much, but they get roads changed when in actual fact they pay no road tax at all, despite the fact that cyclists pump out C02 and are in actual fact polluting the planet more than a small car would.


That’s right, if you are cycling, you are increasing the amount of Co2 you are excreting into our valuable atmosphere.  You are a polluter in exactly the same way that Shell, Texaco, Gulf, BP, Exxon Mobil,  Gazprom, Centrica and Chevron is.


Lets work it out.


The vital capacity of an adult set of male lungs is approximately 4.6 litres


A fit guy might average 40 breaths a minute when cycling (this is being generous as unfit guys would excrete a lot more) so we’ll assume it’s 50, unfit people might hit 60 breaths per minute, so we’re being perfectly reasonable here.


As a point of reference an average adult male doing ****all watching the telly, manages 16 to 20 breaths per minute.


50 breaths of 4.6 litres lung capacity gives us 230 litres per minute.


5% of the 230 litres is C02 (11.5 litres), so that’s 11.5 Litres per minute excreted.

We multiply that by 60 as there’s sixty minutes in an hour which gives us:


690 litres of C02 per hour.


The average speed of a cyclist in the UK is ten miles per hour (10 mph).


So we divide the 690 (1 hour) by 10 (miles) to get 69 litres of C02 per mile figure.


A single litre of Co2 at standard atmospheric pressure weighs in at 1.96g, so 69 litres x 1.96g is a whopping 135.24 grams of C02/per mile cycled.


And that doesn’t even include the carbon cost of the making the ****ing bike!, not to mention tyres and so on.


A Ford Fiesta Zetec 1.6 TDCi weighs in at 136 grams per mile.


So a cyclist is equivalent to a diesel car going around the city and polluting our streets!


That same diesel car pays £30 a year in road tax for polluting the planet.


So there you have it, by the same logic these nuisance cyclists should be taxed at thirty quid a year for pollution!


It’s only fair these hippy types have been calling for carbon taxes on polluters like Shell, Texaco, Gulf, BP, Exxon Mobil,  Gazprom, Centrica, Chevron and cyclists for years, so let’s do it now.  Someone should start a petition to tax cyclists in line with cars, the proceeds of which could then be spent on the roads.


That’s the point at which I would start listening to them when they whinge and moan about potholes and lorries turning left.   Until then they can shut the **** up!


Next week we’ll be using science to explain how cyclists spread TB, so it’s time for a cull…


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