The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

The Internet Has Changed Everything!

I was recently asked by a friend if I could attend a special event on the 15th.  Sadly I can’t make it, I told him as that’s the day that I am due in court.


I’ve had a couple of emails lately reminding me that I’m in court that day, though why I don’t understand, there’s no other details.  I’ve just got to click on the attachment to find out and download my papers.


It’ll be alright though as I’ll soon have twenty million quid from a nigerian general who needs me to help him out with a bit of money laundering and my bank number and sort code.  It’s rightly his, but that pesky Nigerian government is getting in the way and he needs it to rest in my bank account for a bit.  I know it sounds a bit shady but he’s giving me 20% so i’ll have a sh*t load of cash and I’ll easily pay whatever fine I get, because we all know rich people can get away with anything, even murder!


Even if that doesn’t work out I can always earn hundreds of pounds a week working from the comfort of my own home.  I might just do that and tell the boss to f**k off! Just after I’ve told the bank manager to do so as well, and get me a nice cup of ‘premier customers only’ coffee on the way out!  Tw***y lardarse that he is…


I might even treat myself to a bit of viagra and some random chemicals from the online pharmacy I keep getting emails from, a beautiful body leads to a beautiful mind or so I am told after all I am only a few weeks away from a lean, toned and sculpted body provided I pay up now and get those slimming pills that just melt fat away.  I don’t mind like, I’m happy to pay it as pretty soon I’ll be minted anyway thanks to my nigerian connection.


Do I really need the pills though?  Apparently there’s a secret technique out there where I can just rub the fat away, they won’t tell me what it is yet, I’ve got to pay for a subscription to their website where this is just one of the amazing things I can learn.  I might give that a try.  It’s been years since I’ve had a good rub!


Apparently I’ve filled out my vat return, even though I don’t do anything that requires VAT!  Well it must be right, HMRC wouldn’t send it to me otherwise, would they?  I mean they are like the gestapo, I’d better open it and have a look.


Damn now my computer is going slow, a webpage has opened from the Metropolitan Police even though we’re not in London and my webcam has flicked on.  They are filming me at my desk as ‘video evidence’ and according to the small print I am being simultaneously accused of everything from aiding and abetting terrorists to bestiality (have they seen my porn history…), money laundering (that nigerian general has been obviously caught and dobbed me in) and enriching uranium!  


The latter seems like a strange thing for the police to be involved in but what do I know?  I only ever see them whizzing past the street in a fast car these days anyway and nobody can call them out for burglary or domestic violence.  


All I’ve got to do is pay them a £100 fine and they’ll let me off from being a terrorist and an animal rapist so I might as well pay it and then I won’t have to go to court.  I can pay the vat man as I’ll soon be minted anyway as the Nigerian guy has just asked for my personal details so he can deposit the stuff in my account, so clearly the chap is trustworthy and I’ll be able to attend the event on the 15th.


I love the internet, it’s the answer to all of my problems…


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