The miscellaneous writings of Mark Bridgeman

The Left and Right’s of British Politics

Ever wondered what all of that Left and Right stuff is all about, here’s a handy guide put together by our very own professor of History, Dr Reginald Snood (University of Llanelli).


“Well it’s all pretty easy says ‘Dr Snood’, it all goes back to the days of the French Revolution when posh people in France who were supporters of the King sat at the right hand side of the National Assembly if they wanted to conserve the old ways of doing things, other folk such as the greasy and unwashed peasants (like you) who wanted to change how things were done sat on the left.


“This is why people on the right of politics in the Uk are known as ‘Conservatives’, hence the ‘Conservative Party’ and people on the left are known as ‘Trotskyist, stalinists commie b*****ds (not my words).


“In France they had different terms for this, the left was known as the Party of Movement and the right was known as the Party of Order’.   


“So there you have it, we’re all caught in the middle between movement and order, movement… and order…”  


“A system that is still maintained in Carmarthenshire County Council in another pathetic attempt to become the ‘county town’ where people who want to change things sit at the left hand side of Cllr Selwyn Twit, whilst those that want to keep on doing things the old way sit at the right of his Throne.”


“Then the debate starts, and it all winds up like an episode of Game of Thrones.’


Anyhow here’s my handy guide.  I’ve done my best to be totally unbiased.


The Right The Left
Does not like gay marriage Does not like straight marriage.
Does not like paying taxes Does not like you having any money…
Does not like ‘big government’ Does not like Small Government
Does not like ‘multiculturalism’ Does not like ‘mono-culturalism’
Does not like ‘brown people’ Does not like ‘white people’
Does not like Europe Does not like Britain.
Does not like Islam Does not like Christianity
Does not like Broken Families Does not like Strong Families
Does not like the Daily Mirror Does not like the Daily Mail.
The right loves…. The Left loves….
Loves ‘Money’ Loves Your ‘Money’
Loves Fascists, Loves Anarchists
Loves Strong Families Loves Broken Families
Loves low petrol prices Hates low petrol prices
Loves car ownership Hates car ownership
Loves Big Business Hates all Business
Loves the Queen Hates the Queen
The Right hates…. The Left Hates….
Hates Green Taxes Hates no Taxes
Hates Free Public Services Hates paid for Public Services
Hates to interfere in your everyday life Hates you living without Interference
The Right Pretends… The Left Pretends…
Pretends that sex does not exist Pretends that love does not exist
Pretends that children are innocent Ensures that they are not innocent
Both… Both…
Do not like the Internet Do not like the Internet
Do not like freedom of speech Do not like freedom of speech


“And there we have it, as you can see by having a mixture of left and right wing values in our political system we have in wider society basically left wing values being perpetuated through a socio-economic system that is fundamentally right wing (God I’m worth my money, that was brilliant!).”


It’s a complete **** Up!


No wonder nobody’s happy, as for the politicians in charge, I wouldn’t trust any of them to make my sandwiches for work, they couldn’t even do that right…


Dr Snood continued by saying that “I am nothing like that David Starkey fella, whoever he is”


Dr Snood’s Guide to Political Types.

How to recognise someone on the Left.


Left wing people tend to believe that all minorities are discriminated against, and that if you are a white, heterosexual male then you are an oppressor and should be ashamed of yourself.


Left wing people like to hide behind a cloak of political correctness and preach values of liberty, tolerance, acceptance and equality, but are instantly intolerant and unaccepting of anyone that doesn’t share their views.  These same people usually want to tear down old statues, give museum pieces back to the country that they were stolen from and will organise a debate against a right wing and opposing protagonist only to refuse not to take part in the debate as not to give a platform to the aforementioned hatemonger as free speech is only free when they exercise it.


Left wing people tend to have poor personal hygiene, have dreadlocks, no bras (both men and women), hairy pits and wear corduroy clothes (think of your typical beardy professor with patches on his jacket sleeves) and get very violent when demonstrating even though violence is wrong.


By and large left wing people have no jobs, don’t earn any money and live on benefits and approve of drug use.  


Left wing people are often inarticulate and can’t defend their views which to them just ‘feel right’.


Cultural Appropriation.


“There is nothing more insulting to a black man than a white man with dreadlocks, but it’s ok for a japanese man to wear a suit, even though his traditional dress is a kimono.’




How to recognise someone on the Right.


In contrast to the typical left wing person, right wing people like to dress well and make it known that they have something called disposable income.  Suits and ties, posh frocks and nice jackets are the order of day for both sexes, although older males can often be seen wearing a shirt and tie under a thin jumper.


You can see them hanging around the poshest schools in the poshest cars, picking up the poshest kids or working from ‘home’, because these workshy sh**** are usually always office workers, middle managers and bureaucrats or people that otherwise engage in clean professions.


They can’t stand council workers or people who work in the NHS even if they are employed within the council or the NHS as a manager as the aforementioned workers represent a drain on the already overburdened state.  They also have a pathological hatred of all benefits claimants and the disabled.


Females tend to have a low IQ, be skinny and living off inherited wealth or the wealth of their husbands and are often anti abortion campaigners who preach about sexual abstinence when their daughters are pregnant sluts.


Males tend to believe in the free market and tell you to ‘get on your bike’ when you enquire about the lack of jobs, even though all of the jobs are in China and you live in Narberth.


Some but not all right-wingers have a fear of an over large government and law enforcement violating their rights.  Males hate speeding tickets, being stopped by the police and GCHQ / MI5 / CIA / FBI looking at their porn history whilst females tend to believe that porn doesn’t exist and those those who like it or participate in it are all mentally ill and need treatment.


This fear is unfounded because the police won’t bother rich people because they’re rich, whilst the aforementioned intelligence agencies don’t care about Porn because they are looking for terrorists, such as Carmarthens’ notorious Jihadi Jesstin who hatched a cunning plan to harm the financial district in Carmarthen by writing to the Chancellor of the Exchequer about the pasty tax, had it succeeded would have forced Greggs to shut down.  


Right wing people are often inarticulate and can’t defend their views which to them just ‘feel right’.


“Whatever you do when pregnant you must not have an abortion, we need those kids to grow up and fight our wars for us, not to mention that someone has to wipe our arses when we get old…”


Marco Polo


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